someday this will all be gone...

FUNNY

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 06:01:56 GMT

I started to read through old posts of mine...this one is from June 22nd 2001...right before i got hit by a car....

Cass- you can appreciate this precursor, check it out:

http://mysoapbox.livejournal.com/2001/06/22/

Livejournal does serve a purpose afterall.

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 05:38:50 GMT

See- I am still alive, barely. I have abandoned LJ world in the quest for work success. As well as the rest of the world it seems. Although the new job afforded me a Mac Book to take this picture of proof with. I will return to the world in T minus 14 days. Hopefully the cystic stress pimple on my lower left jaw will have dissapated by then.

Does anyone want to work on friends and family days for my stores grand opening? We'll pay you, cheaply...but pay you nonetheless.

look around, and appreciate the people around you sometimes..they're worth it.

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 08:07:09 GMT

manuel called me today to let me know 1) that his grandma passed away, and 2) that his sisters best friend who is by association a long time friend/acquaintance of ours was in a car accident this morning and died also.

i don't understand. i don't think my mind comprehends someone dying who is healthy, full of life, a mother, and my age. especially someone like her. she didn't have enough joy in her life to die. the funny thing is, that i can remember almost every occasion we spent together. it just wakes me up, and puts me to sleep at the same time. it makes me feel out of control, and completely in need of it.

i fully appreciated her as a person. i was always happy to know we'd be sharing space together. she broke my heart, because she was so dragged down by life- and smiling at the same time. i can't say it was a distinct loss in my life, but it was to so many people i hold dear. i hurt for her daughter, and manuels sister. i will miss her being around, and i just keep telling myself i will try and smile as much as her. everyone who leaves us, leaves a piece of themselves with everyone who takes the time to notice. i won't let her go unnoticed in my life. she left that smile in me, i just keep telling myself to remember to use it.

it's been a rough day...i just thought anyone who cared enough to read this might like to know i was lucky to have had this person in my life. and to remind everyone how important every life is, and each moment we spend with people everyday.

sam used to get on my case for chatting it up with every person i came in contact with. moments like this remind me why it's so important.

anyways...that's all the sentimental babble you'll get from me tonight. i feel guilty for being sad, because i can only imagine how sad everyone who loved her must be. there's no comparison...so yeah, you can save yourself from typing your condolences...just take this post for what it is, and enjoy your life. her name was lonnie, and i'm thankful for her tonight.

blah

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 09:27:07 GMT

i was talking to calvin awhile back at the bar. he was commenting on how on his 8th and 9th days after his shot, he got crazy and then said he felt like an addict because of it.

tonight my friends, i feel like an addict. i am at the 15 day mark without my t, and hopefully it'll be here tomorrow. i feel emotionally like SHIT.

everyone can be glad that i am in california, because i don't even want to be around myself right now. i hate that i have to be reminded that i need to inject in order to be myself, and in this case-not crazy!

my anxiety is out of control.

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 05:45:43 GMT

this is cute. and gay.

thanks shena

california

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 19:12:33 GMT

so....i don't even think i mentioned here that i was interviewing with a new company for the past 2 months, but i was- and i got the job i was going for. which now brings me to the current place and time. i start my new job tomorrow, i am training in california. it's pretty cool, because i got my own rental car, hotel room, and can hang out in socal for the next 3 weeks. the downside, i am out of town for 8 of the next ten weeks or so!

so anyways...the new job is for kohls dept stores. i will be opening one of the seattle stores in october. they gave me a pretty awesome salary, and it seems to be a company that has its head on straight.

i flew into california early this morning. when i landed and saw the smog covered socal skies, i remembered how much i love seattle. today i am going to go see my aunt who lives in highland. she hasn't seen me since i started transitioning. she has an 18yr. old daughter, and husband. i am not sure when they were informed about my transition, but my mom said she is good with it. this will be my first extended family member to see my transition tangibly or otherwise. i am nervous...and excited to have them see me as a whole person. i just worry that they will be too wrapped up in the 'weirdness' to really see me anyways. it should be good though, i'm just a bit anxious.

my dad also said he wants to drive in from arizona with my niece while i'm out here. i haven't seen them since i moved, and it will be GREAT if he can actually make it over.

this is a super scattered update. i need to become more adamant about updates, so i don't feel like i have too much to say when it comes time to do it!

i hope the next 3 weeks breeze by...it pulled every heart string in my body to leave calida today. she only made it into town 3 weeks ago. it seems that we can't just catch a break when it comes to timing. it will happen someday, and all of this distance/constant anticipation makes our relationship feel that much stronger.

One year on T!

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 21:05:13 GMT

Here are some one year photos of my transition. This has been an amazing year, and I couldn't be happier with the way my body has progressed. Unless I grew two inches, and dropped 15lbs, that is. -=]

i started 100mg bi-weekly for 3 months
200mg bi-weekly for two months
150mg bi-weekly for the last 7 months

I will do more of a text update later. for now..here are the pictures:

(click for larger sizes)

now:

(Calida is to my right, you could call her my gf...i'm getting around to it)

1yr. ago:

now:

approximately 1yr. ago:

now:

1yr. ago:

below are all recent...

IQ fallacy

Mon, 08 May 2006 07:47:11 GMT

sooo...i scored 154 on this damn quick IQ thing. everyone else who is taking it is scoring between 75-85. i want you guys to take it, because i'm beginning to think that maybe it's opposites day on the IQ site.

check it out:

http://iq-challenge.com/

The thing about chain letters...

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 03:04:00 GMT

Follow me here:

Someone sends a chain letter. They read it, believe it, and send it to a bunch of other people. Someone they sent it to doesn't believe it or re-send it, and so now you (the one believing it's true) are essentially, possibly causing the horrible fate of the other person. Considering you must have believed it in order to have sent it!

I think not passing on chain letters kind of makes you a martyr. And passing on chain letters kind of makes you an evil doer.

Think about that before you send the damn things again. It gets really old, opening chain letters and having to be the damn martyr.

/ridiculous rant

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 18:22:57 GMT

it is a beautiful, beautiful day. it's been a VERY long time since i could enjoy beautiful weather that is accompanied by birds chirping, trees, flowers blooming, freshly cut grass, etc...

i love it.

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 18:27:56 GMT

today i had my second interview with kohls. i really like the company, and think it will be a great career move to get into a bigger box retailer. plus, i am sure they pay more money. which is never a bad thing. i got dressed up, this doesn't happen often- so i took pictures. i had to go on a major hunt to find my size of a nice dress shirt. 14.5 inch neck, 31 inch arm, and i need to get the pants hemmed at some point. i have a final interview may 9th in vancouver, washington. i'm crossing my fingers.

it's kind of creepy that the girl on the t.v in the background is looking in the same direction as me.

side note: why does nose hair develop faster than facial hair? at this rate, i'll need a nose hair trimmer before an electric razor. depressing!

also: i am making a commitment to myself to actually clean my room today. having a little animal living in your room with you makes for a gross environment quickly.

ten month rant/photo update

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 18:37:16 GMT

it's been just a few days over ten months, so I decided it is time to post another update!

I remember starting to do these updates, because it was really important to me to be a visible figure to other guys. looking at images like these for years, were a large part of the reason i knew physical transition was right for me. i knew i wanted the hair, facial changes, voice drop, etc...it made me comfortable and safe in my decision. and i know for a lot of guys who don't need to decide, it is healthy to see these images while passing time to start hormones. the other reason i did it, was of course selfishness. as i became less visible... and surrounded by people who weren't as excited as me about the transition, i wasn't getting regular feedback. we can only bug our loved ones to count our hairs so many times before it becomes a little annoying. so this has been an incredibly validating, and rewarding outlet.

i found myself out here in seattle surrounded by people who don't know me. for the first time i have been able to be transitioned in every aspect of my life. as well as completely stealth at work. as wonderful as that feels, it left me realizing that people judge me on completely different things than before. the funny thing is, i think i was gender ambiguous for so long, that i was judged on my own merits before, not gendered ones. now i am taking on a visibly gendered role, and learning the new expectations that have been set for me. i can't interact in public or at work the same way i would have before. my presence is taken completely different, right down to my humor and forward nature. i never wanted to change my personality, but it seems like my personality is being changed by other peoples perception. i hope that makes sense...

well, as always it has been an amazing feeling to grow into this skin. some days i wonder if i am fitting in, or if i am that awkward smaller guy in the room. most days i own the room, because i know ever yone sees me as i am meant to be seen. that completely outweighs all the obstacles i have to maneuver through as i rediscover my role in my community, and society.

btw- i totally gave myself my shot- twice now. thanks to cass for leaving the city for 3 weeks, so i had little other option. either way, i'm pretty darn proud.

also, i somehow lost like 10-15lbs since moving here. i don't know what to attribute it to, but it feels good.

alright, photo time.

xx boys

i couldn't get these to size down, i am electronically inept.

pre-t face

i really would love to have monkey hands, it's true.

pre-t hand

the hair that could, is taking over!

3 months or so on T

and my upper body...i can't find any old comparison pictures...

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 21:42:50 GMT

i remember distinctly a few months back telling one of my associates how i love that i never mind being at work.

that is not the case these days, i hate it. i am on my way out now, and i would almost rather get fired when i arrive than spend another day working there.

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 05:20:35 GMT

i could watch law & order for days.

a new job...and chest surgery

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 23:39:09 GMT

so i've decided it's time to start the great job hunt. i had a feeling that seattle would lead me into expanding my career horizons, and it definitely has. my run with petco was great, but it's time to go. it's reminiscient of a first love/relationship. we both changed a lot, and i don't know where i'd be in my life if i wouldn't have experienced it. BUT- i am not the same person, and the relationship doesn't leave much room to continue growing.

so with that said, it makes me nervous. i realize it has been four years since i last did a resume, or went on an interview. this should be exciting, and good for me i'm sure.

does anyone have any good ideas on retailers with great pay, and progressive management styles? i'm going to start applying in the next month. i don't want to leave before i have the option to collect on my next PTO check.

things i am looking for:

Sales minded
Structured
Good interest in the community
Strong ability to advance
Team work mentality
People (employee) oriented

AND-0
on a completely different note, i saw a surgeon here today to get a quote on chest surgery. It will be about $4400, not bad. he also said i am a perfect candidate for a traditional gynecomastia surgery, so it should be a pretty simple procedure. i will use my PTO check to help pay for it. i am pretty excited about that.

Super butch, only not really

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 03:02:18 GMT

I was out taking pictures with Kael, and two other guys today. We were in a pretty residential area on a corner, and a car with two women in it drove past. I heard them yelling something, and then they slammed into reverse. Yelling all the way back to us about how hot we are. Then when the car stops next to us, and we all turn around- they start saying 'they aren't women, damn it. sorry ya'll we thought you were women! do you have any hot girlfriends?'

funny. really fuckin funny.

a bunch of short guys standing around, apparently looks similar to a bunch of butch women from a distance.

one woman, a neglected day, and hopes of something more.

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 06:51:34 GMT

i hate that i only feel productive at night. all day long i drag, but come 10pm or so i want to conquer the world. unfortunately, this is when i need to rest. it's quite the dilemma.

also- i really miss calida. it's been one month and 2 days since i've seen her last, and i have approximately 40 days until i see her again. i don't spend a lot of time in person or on lj talking about our relationship, but not seeing her for so long is really starting to wear on me. it sucks, because our main interaction is on the telephone. and while i should be productive, i am talking to her for hours during my days. i just want us to be in one place, and able to enjoy eachother as we please. it will come soon enough. 6 months of 'picknicking' under these circumstances has to have a pay off.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 19:49:34 GMT

i realized today that two of my most prevalent obsessions as a child were michael jackson, and pee wee herman. what does that say about me??

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 02:53:49 GMT

After two weeks of heavy lifting at work, and 9 months of hormone injecting i wanted to see how much my muscle had grown. I must say, i am even impressed.

first is 9 months ago, second is today. (notice also, a forest of armpit hair that has developed)

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 23:22:38 GMT

silence is consent.

i talked to my old boss in phoenix today. he called to see how things are going at my new store. i had called him in a panic last week when i decided i couldn't deal, he told me i need to talk to her about my concerns. so for the past week i have been trying to organize my thoughts, and think of a good approach strategy. you see, i am usually very abrasive, up front, confrontational, and assertive. i am trying to be more professional and cautious in this situation. anyways, he told me i need to talk to her asap, because silence is consent. i've heard it before, but i'm glad he said it to me today. i'm also glad he cared enough to call. so this saturday i'm going to have a plan in motion to have a sit down with fupa aka terri, the boss from hell.

wish me luck.

2nd day of work.

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 09:14:45 GMT

I despise my new store manager. I don't know if I will be able to do it. It is my worst nightmare of a manager come true. For those of you who were around 3yrs. ago for my previous boss Gayla, this is worse. I am going to give it a bit longer, but I only see the problems escalating. As I know she is on her best behavior right now. I just want to scream.

8-9 month pseudo update

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 20:03:06 GMT

The move made it nearly impossible to do an 8 month update. So here is a late 8 month/early 9 month update. I will post body comparison pictures when I have some more free time that I want to waste. -=]

My dose is currently 150mg/2 weeks. My first three months were 100mg/2 weeks. Next 3 months were 200mg/2 weeks, and 3 months ago we lowered my dose to 150/two weeks. The changes are coming much slower, but atleast they're coming.

Notice my newly found curly hair, compliments of Seattle humidity.

2 weeks on T

one week shy of 9 months on T

Hello Seattle.

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 23:17:41 GMT

I left for Seattle one week ago tomorrow. Sam and I drove out early Saturday morning, and made it into the city by 9pm Sunday night.

I realized while driving through Sacramento that I had announced that I was going to leave, only one month prior. Talk about a whirlwind. This is one of those moments that I have so much to say, that I can't say much at all.

So far everything here has been really good. I am still trying to find my footing, and am getting prepared to start work again on Tuesday. Tonight I am up for a stiff drink, and a lot of mental relaxation. And at some point Cass gets the honor of sticking a needle in my ass.

I have a good feeling about everything...the only sadness I have is the fact that my family isn't in close proximity. Albeit a big sadness, it is tolerable.

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 08:32:55 GMT

my mom called me tonight at work. she started to say 'i don't want you to leave' and began crying at the same time. later on i called her and she told me that she cried for 15 minutes, and when her co-worker asked what was wrong- she said my son is leaving, and he's my nice one.

sad, but kind of funny. especially considering i was the devil adolescent. there is a lot more to be said about my move in EIGHT days. right now the most that should be said is, i better get a move on packing....not right now though. tomorrow, definitely tomorrow.

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 18:30:10 GMT

so it's official- i got the transfer to seattle. now it's full speed ahead with moving. we have to leave in about 3.5 weeks.

i am having all kinds of emotions relating to this. a lot of them are really happy ones, but the core of me is still incredibly sad. i love my family. i love being close to them. i even love the store i work at. this is going to be a life changer, obviously. now it's time to take that deep breath, and just jump.

3.5 weeks....no, i'm not freaking out. not at all.